In 1987, PBS aired a special entitled AIDS: Changing the Rules. In an attempt to foster safe-sex practices, a host showed men how to put on a condom, a product associated with “the gays” by many heterosexual men. Of course, this was also PBS, so a banana was used in place of an actual penis.

Unfortunately, PBS failed to consider the disastrous consequences of linking sex with bananas. Below, a letter from the president of the International Banana Association to the the president of PBS. Hilarious, offensive, sad.

Dear Mr. Christiansen,

In this program, a banana is used as a substitute for a human penis in a demonstration of how condoms should be used.

I must tell you, Mr. Christiansen… that our industry finds such usage of our product to be totally unacceptable. The choice of a banana rather than some other inanimate prop constitutes arbitrary and reckless disregard for the unsavory association that will be drawn by the public and the damage to our industry that will result therefrom.

The banana is an important product and deserves to be treated with respect and consideration. It is the most extensively consumed fruit in the United States, being purchased by over 98 percent of households. It is important to the economies of many developing Latin American nations. The banana’s continued image in the minds of consumers as a healthful and nutritious product is critically important to the industry’s continued ability to be held in such high regard by the public and to discharge its responsibilities to its Latin American hosts…

Mr. Christiansen, I have no alternative but to advise you that we intend to hold PBS fully responsible for any and all damages sustained to our industry as a result of the showing of this AIDS program depicting the banana in the associational context planned. Further, we reserve all legal rights to protect the industry’s interests from this arbitrary, unnecessary, and insensitive action.

Yours very truly, Robert M. Moore

Anyone who’s known me for an extended period of time has witnessed the sheer ridiculousness that is my sock collection. At last count (the Sock Census of 2007), I had some 60+ pairs of non-white, non-athletic socks. The majority of these fall into the pastel and/or argyle categories, but there are a few pairs that confound even me: beige with Golden Retrievers, pink/blue stripes (à la the Wicked Witch of the East), and a wonderful lime green argyle pattern I picked up sometime last year.

like me, but no heels

Yet if there was ever evidence that I should not be allowed to browse the internet with a credit card close at hand, it was my most recent sock purchase. I’m not sure how (or more importantly why) I stumbled across Joy of Socks, but the damage is done. (Remember that I was completely sober when this happened…)

“Hey!” I thought to myself, “I like watches! And I like socks! It’s the perfect combo!” (Seemed like good logic at the time) And as soon as they start making watches with socks on them then I’ll really be set! I’d say these are the kind of socks that scream out “professional badass” to prospective employers. Opposed to these (also purchased last evening) which are simply inexcusable:

FYI: I got them in red, bitches.

Thus continues my series on the perfect holiday gift. Now we turn our attention to the one person on your list who probably deserves something more than anyone else. Yes, he’s been good all year. Yes, he’s sat by while life has offered him happiness interspersed with some slightly shambly moments. But all in all, things are good now, considering he has no money to be lost and most of his assets lie in a closet full of pastel cardigan sweaters (and from what we hear, that market has nowhere to go but up!).

So, what do I want for Christmas? A good question (and thank you for asking). We’ll be answering this query throughout the next few weeks. Away we go!

ITEM 1

Inspiration: random child pulled from Flickr (apologies to the parents but, hey, don’t blame me when your kid turns up on Google!)

Rodeo!

That little boy is so happy! Why? Cowboy pajamas. Since I was little (or maybe just 15), I’ve always wanted a sweet pair of cowboy pajamas- 1950s style, preferably with a badass matching top. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much of a demand for cowboy pajamas nowadays (can’t imagine why…) so I’ve been forced to be content with a multitude of other, non-western themed jammies. But wait! Turns out that the good folks at Cowboy Pajamas have just the sleepwear I’ve been looking for, and in a variety of prints! Let’s check ‘em out: Two cowboys fixin’ grub? A little too Brokeback, if you ask me. Besides, black has never really been my color…

Hats? Boring.

Here’s the perfect level of awesomeness (in pajamas terms):

Great color, a sweet lariat pattern, and a cowboy off to do whatever it is cowboys do… (drug smuggling?) All I know is that I’ll rest nice ‘n easy in these colorful pajamas bottoms. Take notes, those with money and/or love.

Boy howdy.

I hope that everyone managed to have a safe and (more importantly) filling Thanksgiving. I’ve always felt that Thanksgiving is nothing more than a stop light on the road to Christmas. (A delicious stop light, to be sure, but I’m one of those anti-American types who don’t like mashed potatoes.) Now we can all finally stop feigning annoyance (Scrooges!) at omnipresent Christmas music, because who among us doesn’t like “All I Want for Christmas is You?”

So, let’s start this holiday season off right with a little reminder from our safety-conscious friends up north: the next time you bake a Christmas cookie, remember, “there really are no accidents.”

Happy Thanksgiving! Now let’s get this party started.

Just sit back and enjoy.

Continuing our adventures in Christmas shopping, we turn to that pesky man who either happened to make money off the stock market tumble or just hasn’t realized that his Visa Black Card will, in fact, need to be payed off eventually. (Until then, champagne and bronzed cabana boys for everyone!)

Art world rogue(?) Damien Hirst has collaborated with Levi’s and the Andy Warhol Factory (or whatever it is that’s still making Warhol posthumously wealthy) to create a clothing line. That’s right, folks, formadehyde-soaked kittens might not be wearable yet, but that doesn’t mean a man can’t express his love of Hirst and excess through denim:

mmm... painty

Barney’s is reportedly auctioning off pieces like these, while blinged-out tank tops(!) reminiscent of For the Love of God will sell off the rack for a much lower price.

dry clean only?

I personally don’t care for these jeans. They’re a bit too flashy for my tastes, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin in integrating them into my collection of cardigan sweaters and argyle socks. In short, I’ll take a dead animal in fomaldehyde over denim any Christmas.

(thanks to Gwen for the video)

P.S. Here is a much more obnoxious video of the new Hirst-Levi’s collection… I can’t wait for Amelie Gillette to get a hole of this one.

So I think I have a new topic for my honors thesis in history…

… and it pretty much boils down to that.

More to come soon.

In the end, I was faced with two choices for this year’s Halloween costume:

I was informed that this was both gay and cliché (“gayché,” even). Though at first I was skeptical…

… I soon realized there might be something to this claim.

So I’ve decided to play up my strenghts: blond, waif-like, and adorable:

No twink references, please.

Christmas is coming, and I’ve decided to dedicate a series of posts to gift ideas for those hard-to-please individuals on your list. First up: the awkward male roommate.

Ever wondered what your roommate is doing when not dunking Twinkies into ranch dressing or playing World of Warcraft? Well, let me tell you: he’s lookin’ at porn.

Oh, for shame! If only he could focus his energies on finding a job or obtaining a girlfriend! But as the people at Real Doll have discovered, your roommate probably doesn’t want either of those things. What he needs is hot, silicone-based sex… anime style!

Boy Toy Dolls: “Inspired by comic book and anime art, and crafted using cutting edge materials, these posable silicone dolls are designed with fun in mind.” And who doesn’t like fun!?

totally sexy... in that drugged and hesitant kind of way.

The benefits of a sex doll are many: she won’t complain when you hang out with the boys (online), and who wouldn’t fall in love with those big doe eyes? Oh, and have any of your girlfriends come with patent-pending removal orifices? I didn’t think so.

(Did I mention they’re seasonal?)

patriotism at its best...

...with an o-face to match.

A realistic silicone form promises to give your roommate the best orgasm he’s ever had, and it’s the closest thing to a woman he’ll ever get.

Miss October loves riding a stiff wood.

Boy Toy Dolls are made with the most advance blow job technologies available:

open wide!

These holiday miracles can be yours for a mere $7,500 each. But for those of you on a budget, skip the head/arms/legs and fuck a torso for only $1,900!

I know what I’m getting Brad for Christmas!

Because, really, this is what it all boils down to:

Watch out, y’all: Michelle Obama looks totally pissed.